Sunday, September 9, 2012

In Which I Get Excited About Shaving the Skin Off My Feet

The other night I took one of those long hot bubble baths that most of us women love (my brother David, on the other hand, refers to it as "stewing in one's own filth.") Midway through the bath, my feet start itching and I know what this means.  It's time to shave the dead skin off my feet, using one of my favorite inventions!  It's a little thingy with a handle, and a razor stuck between some metal so that only the thinnest layer of skin can be shaved off.  While you're still damp from a bath and your dead foot skin is softened, you can use it to shave off the icky, itchy, disgusting, thick part on the bottom of your feet.  I loooooooove it.  But it's disgusting.  When you're done, your feet feel as soft as a baby's butt.  They don't itch anymore, and you look ever so much better in sandals.  But you're left with a pile of foot skin, and that's pretty darn gross.  I started thinking about some of my favorite gadgets and inventions which bring me so much pleasure, but at the same time are really disgusting if you think about it.  The foot shaver is right up there at number one!
Number 2 would probably have to be my Sephora zit popper.  It's a metal instrument with little metal circles at either end.  One is clearly more for your flatter, easy-to-reach zit.  The other end is made for your hard to reach, deeper in the tissue zit.  If sanitized properly, it won't cause infection like fingers could, and the little perfect metal circles ensure that the zit is evenly surrounded on all sides with pressure, so it doesn't leave a mark and it gets all the ick out.  You gotta love that!  Hehe!
There's also the thing I use on the babies that is properly called a "nasal aspirator."  I personally prefer the term "snot sucker" because that is what it is.  You squeeze in while away from the nostril, but the small part near the booger, and let go of the bulb.  Immediately the air sucks in, and the pesky booger is sucked right out of the nose of the baby, allowing them to breathe again.  It's really, really gross to clean out, mind you, but really, really, easy to use. 
Last but definetely not least is my husband's latest purchase: the electric flyswatter.  This intellectual marvel allows you to swat a fly in mid-air, and, if pressing down a button, electrocute the fly in the process.  My husband has an even grosser and crueler way of using it.  He goes in a room where the fly is, and he holds the flyswatter flat, and then stands there, perfectly still, for however long it takes for the idiot fly to land on the thing, and then he presses the button.  You hear "POP!"  and then a sizzle, and then smell smoke, and then hear the maniacal cackle of a man who has just taken all his frustrations out on an irritating little fly.  I was a little worried about him the first time I heard him do it, thought he was a sadist and might need some therapy.  He could not stop laughing for about 15 minutes after murdering the fly.  Then a few days later, a fly kept buzzing and buzzing and buzzing past my head, making that horrible little noise they make.  It flew up against the kitchen window and I went and got the electric flyswatter.  I held the thing against the window so that the fly was caught between the window and the flyswatter.  The fly did that little spaz-out things that flies do, and then it made the sound "POP!"  "Sizzzzle...." and there was smoke.  When I moved the swatter, the dead and crispy fly fell into the dishwater below.  Then there was the sound of manical laughter, mine.  It was so fulfilling!!!  Now when I'm trying to carry in groceries and the door is open and I see flies sneaking past me into the house, I actually get excited.  I get to go hunting! 
So for all the geniuses of the world who invented these fine devices and were willing to share them with the world, even though their purposes sound gross and disgusting:  Here's to you!  You've made my life a lot more fun!  (And a little more gross.)


  1. nasal aspirator, snot sucker, booger invention ever! I really enjoyed the mental image of Charles laughing like a maniacal serial killer after killing a fly.

  2. It sounded like something out of a scary movie!