Settled in to watch tv tonight, excited cuz the fall season has started and I was finally gonna get to find out who lived through that horrible plane crash on Grey's Anatomy. Start watching the show, and it ends up, Mark Sloan (one of the characters) had "survived" the plane crash, but had been on life support, and his wishes were that if something happened where he was on life support and didn't improve within 30 days, he wanted to be taken off and allowed to die, and this was supposed to be day 30.
So at this point, all my family and close friends are gonna know exactly what I'm thinking here, and why I suddenly found myself sobbing at the tv. Two years ago, my mom was on life support, kept alive with a ton of meds and a ventilator, for several days until we finally realized there was no possible hope, and we had to make the decision to take her off. Watching it happen on tv made it all flash back in my mind, clear as anything.
My dad didn't want to make the decision. He asked each individual member of the family what they thought he should do. If any one of us had said to wait, I'm sure he would have. But it was torture watching her lay there, with 13 different meds being pumped into her as hard as they could, knowing that she'd never wake up, and she'd never be herself again if somehow she could. And if she COULD wake up, she would sit up and scream at all of us for keeping her on that horrible vent and having her poked and prodded and essentially tortured in a selfish attempt to keep her alive a little longer. The doctor had laid it on the line for us, and let us know that she was already "only 10% alive, the rest is machines." We were just prolonging the inevitable. So when Dad asked each one of us what we thought he should do, her four children, and her sisters, we all had the same answer. "Turn it off. She would HATE this. There's no hope. Turn it off."
They led us all into a little room to wait while they took out the ventilator, turned off the meds, and put the sides down on the bed so that we could all crowd around and be close to her. They carefully explained what they would be doing and what we should expect. They told us she would continue breathing for some time after the machine was turned off, and there was no way to know how long. Could be minutes, could be hours. They turned off the monitors so we wouldn't have to hear the slowing "beeps" as her heart stopped. And then they led us all back in.
All the tubes and wires were cleared away, so we could actually SEE her. She was still breathing in exactly the same pattern as the ventilator had done, they never show that on tv or in movies when they take someone off life support. The tube was not there, the machine was not there, but she breathed in the same pattern with the same sound that she had on the vent. The thought went through my mind that maybe she'd just keep right on breathing, and wouldn't die after all. But as we talked to her, held her hands, told her we loved her, and said our goodbyes, the breaths got further and further apart, and more and more shallow. And then they stopped.
It is a day I try not to think about. It is a day I had to replay in my mind a million times after it happened to work through and to process, and now I try to forget. I feel guilty writing about it because I know my family will read this and it will make them all remember too, and none of us want to think about it.
If I can ever stop crying and get to sleep tonight, I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and try to forget it again. And the next time I'm trying to chill out and watch tv, if the scene calls for someone to be taken off life support, I'm gonna change the channel. It's no longer "entertainment" to watch a scene like that when you've been through it for real. It was gut-wrenching, mind boggling, horrific, and it changed every one of us who were there. If I can help it, I don't ever want to remember it again.
Those of you reading this who still have your parents, call them today and tell them you love them, because I said so.
Ooh... Sorry! I was so excited to see show to find out how everyone was after the crash also, and started watching. For a while I was okay cause I thought for sure he was going to pull through (didn't know he was going off the show), then when they started unhooking him it was very surreal. I kept thinking I'm glad Shell's not watching, cause for some reason I thought you didn't watch that show. Kept thinking I should just turn it off and finally grabbed my iPad to try to distract myself. Way too many memories were right there on the surface..... Pain, confusion, anger, disbelief.... All feelings I know you understand, and all feelings we can't keep drowning in. Not a great night for sure, but hopefully a better day! Lovey!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteActually, it kinda makes me feel better that I wasn't the only one watching and being reminded! Ok today, just puffy-eyed. Guess we all have to have a good hard cry about it every now and then! Lovey!
DeleteSo sorry Shelly. Know you must be feeling so sad. The reality is when it comes to our parents, we never forget but eventually, the good memories do start to outweigh the bad ones. Hope today is much better for you and the whole family. Bisous
ReplyDeleteGlad I don't watch Grey's Anatomy. But I've been thinking about that day recently, anyway...and the strange thing that sticks in my mind is this: when it really sunk in that we were going to lose her, I was outside the hospital calling Rusty to come to the hospital because she was near the end. Having to call him & tell him made it real, and I was outside on a bench all alone.
ReplyDeleteI lost it. I was sobbing from the gut...the kind of sobs where you feel like your internal organs are going to come out your nose or something. And someone I never saw, because I was crying too hard to look at her, came up and hugged me and held me until I got some semblance of control back.
I'm not a touchy-feely person, and usually a hug from a stranger would creep me out, but that was the most needed hug ever. One day I hope to be wise enough to know when it's time to pay it forward.
Aw, you never tld me that story before! When Katherine was dying and we took shifts staying with her so she wouldn't be alone, I was sitting with her one night and pulled my chair up close to her bed, and fell asleep holding her hand with my head next to her. I woke up to some lady who was visiting the woman on the other side of the room patting my back and saying "God bless you, honey." It made me feel really good, I guess when you're all consumed with worrying about someone else, it's nice when someone else worries about YOU for a second. Don'tcha wish there was some way to know who she was so you could send her a card or something? A little human kindness goes such a long way sometimes!
DeleteI just watched Greys. I hate it. WHY do I torture myself with that show??
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it made you relive your ordeal.. And (you know me) I would have preferred to not relive it with you ;) however I do think it helps immensely to write stuff down. Get it out of your head and on the page/screen.
Yeah, I guess it's cathartic to just let it out now and again. And then squash it deep inside till next time! Lol! (You, my dear, are the queen of the squashing!)
DeleteWish I had a witty reply.. :0D
ReplyDelete