Monday, October 15, 2012

In Which People Can Take Their Advice and Snarky Comments And Shove It

Hmmmm,  in a foul mood and probably should not be writing when I'm like this.  But here goes, and btw this is NOT aimed at anyone who might even possibly be reading this, so if you are reading this, please don't think I mean you! 
What is on my mind today is people, especially jerky ones, who do not have children or have not had children in 50 years or so, who want to give me advice about how to raise mine.  I do not like this.  They may shove it.  I shall let them chose where.
Children are annoying, this is just a fact of life.  Anyone who has had children knows this.  There's no way to escape it.  Grown people are annoying too, and have bad days, and get tired and cranky.  The only difference is, children do not have the self-control that grown-ups should have by now developed, and yet, grown-ups (mostly the ones who are cranky and annoying themselves!)  seem to think that when a small child is tired and cranky, their parents should somehow beat it out of them. 
Before I had children, I had all kinds of therories myself.  I was gonna discipline my children this way or that way and they were gonna be perfect and respectful and sweet and behave and sit still like little happy robots.  Then I had my first one, and Brenna made it quite clear to me that I, as her mother, had NO control over her mood, her thoughts, her feelings, and for a long time, her behavior. 
It seems that the most judgement comes from people at my place of woship, and this can be very distressing to me.  No one outside of my immediate family knows exactly what I go through to get there twice a week.  The hours of preparation, trying to schedule feedings and naps and baths and getting dressed so that everyone arrives there on time, relatively clean, and if all goes well, not starving and not exhausted.  By the time we get there, I always feel as if I have just run a mini-marathon.  I'm tired, my back is KILLING me, (I've had bad back problems for years, and believe me, they're exacerbated by carrying around giant babies!)  Most of the time it's a complete fight for me to make myself get there and have everyone in my family ready and dressed.  Thank goodness for all the kindhearted people there who say things like "I don't know how you do it!" "You're my hero!"  "You don't know how encouraging it is for me to see you here, when I'm tired and don't feel like coming, I tell myself I have to because if you can do it with twins, I have no excuse."  People who say things like that make me fight even harder to be there.  There are also the people who take the babies for me and help me with them, so that I can pay attention while I'm there for at least a few minutes.  To all these people, I say a huge thank you!
However, once I get there and sit down, I usually have about 20 to 30 minutes of good behavior out of the twins, on a good day.  That is about their limit for sitting still and quietly.  They are not quite a year old, and being able to sit quietly for 30 minutes is pretty good for that age, if you ask me, and this is my third and fourth child, so I do have a little experience with such things.  Now after about the 30 minute mark, they're growing restless.  They want to have a snack, or get down and crawl/walk, or they're desperate to go to sleep, and they won't sleep with someone holding them.  This is where things start to get dicey. 
The whining starts, and the fussing.  I hand them a baby book or something to try to keep them quiet, and they throw it or scream out.  I give them the scary mommy face and tell them to hush, they scream again.  Now that they're almost a year old, I take them into the back sometimes and pop their behind, telling them very sternly to hush, and be quiet, and as soon as the crying stops, I go back to my seat.  But invariably, when my butt hits the chair, they begin crying again.  At this point, what exactly am I supposed to do?  I can't keep sitting there, because they are disturbing everyone with their crying.  But when I get up to take them out, they are happy they're getting to get up, which is exactly what they wanted, and they immediately get quiet. 
I try taking them out where no one can hear them crying and making them sit still on my lap, but they wriggle and fight and throw themselves backwards off my lap.  They are not quite one, for goodness sake, they want to be moving around.  And I'm 41 and have a bad back, and by the time all this is going on, I'm exhausted, sweating, and my back muscles feel like they're on fire.  When I can't physically do it anymore, I put them down.  Then they're happy.  They babble and they walk/crawl, and they drink their milk and have a little snack, and then (usually) they're happy.  I KNOW that it's not optimal for them to be having fun in the back, because now they'll always request to go back there instead of sitting still.  I'm AWARE of this.  But dadgummit, what am I supposed to do when I've got no fight left in me? 
Then I have to hear the comments.  "They really have got you trained, don't they?"  "Have you noticed that as soon as you get up to take them out, they get quiet?" 
YES, I HAVE NOTICED.  AND YES, I AM EMBARRASSED BY IT.  But what exactly would you recommend that I do?  I try the popping and returning to the seat, so far, since they are still BABIES, it hasn't worked.  So should I just continue to sit there and let them cry at the seat?  Do the people complaining not mind if I just sit there while the babies cry in their ear?  Should I not put them down in the back and let them toddle around?  Well, that sounds great, but my spine is about to snap in half, so that's not quite physically possible for me.  Should I not feed them a snack or give them milk?  They are not quite one, have tiny tummies, and need to eat many times a day.  They are BABIES, not tiny adults.  And if I make them stay hungry, trust me, they will NOT be any quieter.  As an experienced mother, I know that this is a phase.  Brenna and Dalton put me through the same thing, but they no longer cry to get up and go to the back or ask for snacks during the meeting.  This does not last forever, it's a thing that happens with babies, and one has to find a way to get through it.
Funny thing is, it's almost always the people who have no children, or had their children long, loooonnnnggg ago who have all the criticism.  I would actually not mind advice from say, a person who also raised 4 children, or a person who raised their kids later in life and knows what it's like to be older and trying to do this parenting stuff with a body that's falling apart.  Or a person who had twins and knows how it feels to be outnumbered by babies, and the battle that goes on just to be able to GET there, much less keep them quiet.  But it's never those people.  Those are the people who pat my back and say "good job, I don't know how you do it." 
So to the others, the ones with the smug looks and the whispers and the snide remarks and the criticism:  I love you as my brother or sister, and yet, you can feel free to shove it.  I'll let you decide where.  Have a great afternoon!  :)

17 comments:

  1. Yeah, probably shouldn't have written in that bad of a mood!

    That said, I have no idea how you do it! Just getting them up & dressed & fed is NUTS! Then packing a diaper bag with all the required diapers/wipes/snacks/milk to keep them going is another whole ball of wax. Lots and LOTS of work is required to keep those two little boogers going!

    AND you do an excellent job of studying with the other two! Everybody is AT the meeting and PREPARED...and on time! Which is, in itself, pretty amazing.

    People with one baby and a will of steel might be able to figure out how to get them to sit still. Two babies? Oh my gracious. You are outnumbered. And it will get better.

    I think you're pretty amazing, myself!

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    1. Thanks sis! And thanks for helping me with them yesterday!

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  2. Sing it sista!!! I think you are a great Mommy (just look at Brenna and Dalton) and I'm not even there. Sometimes I'm exhausted after reading your blog and wonder how you manage. Then add to that your bad back. Here you are with TWO babies who are now very mobile and in that phase that is challenging for having only one to train. It makes me happy to know some of the friends help out every so often so you can get a little out of the meeting but don't worry - you are there where Jehovah's spirit is and you are doing a wonderful job. Take care of you.....

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    1. My friends are great and would do anything to help, but the babies are getting into one of those "I only want Mommy" phases like Katie talked about. Exhausted as I am, I LOVE taking care of them, even when I'm so tired I'm about to cry... I love having my babies. Just wish people would use the rule of Thumper: "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all!"

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  3. Oh man I know how you feel and I've only had to deal with one at a time!!! I don't know how you do it, but I'm glad you do, despite the unthoughtful remarks. I've had a bad back since being pregnant with #1 and it has only gotten much worse. So to think of you lugging around 2 big healthy babies all day makes my back ache for you. Both of my kids were severe "mommy only" babies. They refused to go to anyone that offered to help during the meetings, and the offers got less and less as my kids would scream even louder when someone else tried to take them. Most nights would end with me in nearly tears completely exhausted and wondering "why do I do this?!?!" And the few times that my handicapped husband would help with them during the meeting, people would give me the most judgmental stares ever. Like "how dare you let him get up with them" when I'm in aching pain and exhaustion. UGH! People can shove it sometimes! haha. And when people would tell me it'd get better, I'd feel even worse because I knew my kids must have been really terrible for them to feel the need to offer me the encouragement (though appreciated). And now both of my kids have been perfect for over 2 years now, and I can see where all my effort has paid off and it was worth going to the meeting even though I dreaded it. And being pregnant with my 3rd (thankfully not 3rd and 4th), I'm dreading those first few years of "meeting training" again. But at least I don't have to worry about the others crying because they are jealous that I'm getting up with one and leaving the other...that was always exhausting having to leave a 2 year old to care for the lungs of steal newborn. ugh. Oh and the funniest was when someone told me that a light pinch on the thigh would nick any noisy disturbance in the bud...i tried it once and I got "OW! OW! MOMMY WHY ARE YOU PINCHING ME?!?!?!" at the top of their lungs during the meeting. ~sigh~ Hang in there, I don't know exactly what you're going through, but my do I understand and send you my sympathy. Hang in there!!

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    1. I'm hanging! In a few months you'll be lamenting about the same problem! Lol! There are just some people that are so great and encouraging and helpful, and I just wanna hug them. Then there are others who are critical and smug and think they know it all, and I just wanna punch them! I figured it was better to vent about it on here than to actually punch anyone...

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    2. Yeah I tried the pinching with Katie ONCE and got the OWWW WHY ARE YOU PINCHING ME REPLY VERY LOUDLY. Did not do it again.

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  4. I have'nt seen you at the meetings with the children, but I know you are an awesome MOM. I got a great deal of "advice when Katie was little and yes she could be quite difficult. Look how wonderful she has turned out. Next time some offers advice give them the crying child and walk away, Saying thank you for the help over your shoulder. That might shut them up.

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    1. See, I'll take advice from YOU any day, cuz you had a BUNCH of kids, like me! LOL!

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  5. OK, I can't take it anymore. I've been reading your blog since it's inception and love it. I try hard NOT to comment because I've learned it's just easier to stay out of trouble that way. LOL. BUT, I am extremely sensitive to Mommy's and babies!!! You should come to our congregation we literally have at least 15 kids under the age of 4. MANY infants all crying at the same time!! It sometimes sounds like a circus and many times the Brothers even have to pause during their talks while a Mother takes her screaming child out. Those precious babies are music to our ears! Please just ignore the insensitive comments, many of them don't even realize how stupid and ridiculous they sound! It's obvious you are a great Mom! It just makes me sad that we'll never be in the same congregation I would love to help you! Robert and I both try hard to help with the little ones. I feel sorry for the ones that don't get involved with the young ones because they have no idea what they are missing out on! Our service group of about 15 has 6, yes 6 little ones. Last week two mini vans, three car seats in each all with strollers diaper bags bottles and poopy diapers! It is utter chaos sometimes, but we wouldn't have it any other way. Families go through so much to get there, just know to the majority we are amazed at how you do it! You inspire us! You hang in there. You are doing a terrific job! I wish we were closer!! Now, if we could just get a couple of our own grandbabies that would be awesome! See how wordy I get! Hence another reason I don't comment, and this is the twice edited version......

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    1. Traci!!! Glad you're here! I wish we were in the same hall too. Just cuz I miss you. We really do have many wonderful, helpful friends. Just whining about those few who make me mad, I need to get over myself! Lol! You would have so much fun with these babies, they really are adorable when they're not wearing me slap out!

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  6. You are so awesome, Shelly! I mean regular with meetings and field service with 4 kids, 2 of which arent even 1??? Awesome, awesome! Like you said, it is unreasonable to even expect that a child at that age can be quiet and still for 2 hours and not to have a snack at all. And it is hard to find the balance between what is acceptable for their age and not wanting them to associate "going to the back" with playtime. Obviously, you have successfully trained kids before (Dalton and Brenna) so no doubt you will be successful with Weston and Aila too. I remember feeling just like Katie said..."why am I even here???" with both my kids were between 6 months and about 2..a little later for Isabella. And still, to this day, getting two kids ready for the meetings, prepared with comments, making sure they are following along while there is exhausting, and you do it with 4!!! Way to go, Shelly! Next time, someone says they have you trained just say, "Yep, the children in my family have always been exceptionally bright, which makes them a handful. Fortunately, Charles and I are smarter, but it takes time. Thankfully, Jehovah's organization loves having families together at the meetings, and is patient with us while we train our children to be well-behaved. We so appreciate when the friends at the meetings are encouraging and recognize the hard work of parents like us."

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    1. Ooooh, good one! I might have to memorize that!

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    2. Go Shelly Go Paige!!
      In some odd way I actually wish I had a small cranky baby again just so I could use Paige's line! :0) LOVE IT and I hear ya sister!

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    3. I think of better lines when I'm outside the moment, unfortunately!

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    4. Great Paige. I agree wholeheartedly.

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  7. Could you write Paige's comment on your hand for future "I'm mentally sticking my tongue out at you" moments :)

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